hello
how are you?
please i hope you are fine :)

so here i am at 12.43 am, sitting demurely *well, fine. NOT demurely... with my computer on my lap. i have dried pancake batter on my fingers with a plate of chocolate chip pancakes set down beside me that i am currently too full to eat. it is also a little too late to offer people my wares.

updates? sure.
graduation happened... absolutely beautiful, but absolutely heartbreaking -- though i remained relatively stoic.


however, i have a feeling that i will feel the loss when the fall comes and i think my life will change a little more. i hate the feeling of losing people i hold dear in my heart - yet i am sincerely happy that most of them are going on to achieve greatness. the lack of permanence in my life has perhaps influenced the way i treat relationships. i like being around people but often hold the possibility of forming deeper friendships/relationships at a distance. there is a certain threshold of trust that i must commit to. to alleviate the pain that comes with the necessity to "move on" after college? maybe. but i don't think that God wants it that way -- the love that He calls us to is invested in the forming of bonds that cannot be broken in and above all adversity and trials. i fail at loving people the way He wants me to so often - more than i would like to admit. so this i'm going to try to understand/experience/learn this love that God has demonstrated. i guess it's back to the basics...

ALSO - the reason i'm blogging is because GRADES ARE OUT THIS VERY MINUTE. and i needed to put my life into perspective so that it might help alleviate this stress that i'm going through right now. i'm not an intellectual, i do not get stellar grades, neither am i a stellar student. i love chemistry truly and deeply, but that doesn't mean i do well at it. i probably won't graduate with general honours, maybe not even departmental honours. but... what does that mean?
i hate grades. i see their necessity, but feel that they inexorably AND unnecessarily construct a standard upon which one measures their self-worth. i am not curious and don't enjoy the suspense of finding out what grade i'm gonna get regardless of how well i did in a class. my GPA. bah.
i guess in a sense pressure on me is somewhat relieved because i'm not vying for medical school placement, but what about grad school? argh.
i also haven't been particularly trusting in God to lead me. how can i find peace if i fail to seek it from the One who gives it?
a divine peace assured that God will craft my life from beginning to end. bad grades or good grades. i need to ask Him for that.

not particularly in context, but assuring words from an unchanging God and a mighty King --
"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." Jer 29:11
sorry this is a rant. and is rather negative on the whole. but it's honest.

more on the happier, slightly less stressful life in the next post.

:)