if only i could tell you all that has happened in these last four months - all that i've done/had to do - i'd rather talk to you and show you.

its been a long journey

i've been to kenya - had a hard time at first, but loved it, utterly loved it to the point of tears at having to accept the knowledge that all i'd done and been through would eventually be but a memory. lessons, experiences, happiness and hardship have taught me many things about life and about myself, and perhaps most importantly, about the sovereignty of God. He is Good and He is unchanging.


And it seems so hard to accept that the place that has been my home, the people who have been my friends, the land that is so rich in diversity and has so much potential is now being torn apart. and i question why the quest for freedom (personal and national) is so ironic - why those in rich and "free" countries engage in activities that exploits such freedom in self-centered ways --> to their own debilitation, while those who have no such freedom to even speak of suffer at the hands of others. i hate to think it but i feel as if liberation stands on such a fine line that ever attaining such a balance seems almost impossible.

And ultimately, the spotlight zooms in on you, the individual, and what you choose to pursue in life. What are you getting ready for? Why do you do what you do? What difference do you want to make? Of course you can only plan so far ahead because God already knows where He wants to put you in the grand scheme of things. But do you know that what He wants for you is worth the sacrifice of all the other worthless pursuits of this world? And do you love Him enough to relinquish that aspect of your life -- entailing NOT bending His rules to greater suit your desires? There really aren't that many grey areas.

It's hard - especially for a control freak like myself who often falls into the abyss that is also known as "low self esteem". But life is pretty simple - knowing that it's simple makes it hard to live.

I don't know - this blog post seems rather enigmatic - i apologize. But i guess it boils down to this: I think I choose to pursue righteousness. His kind of righteousness. And I will stumble - it's inevitable - but I'm going to cling on to Him. Because He's going to take you places you can barely imagine, and He's going to take your breath away as He brings you to greater heights.