yay, kathryn, vicki and me in the shakespeare garden :D

okay this post is basically a copy and pasted entry from an my livejournal. it's RECENT so read it, just that i thought it'd be cool to have mirror posts that are meaningful to me, and hopefully to you too :D
a particular reflection... of basically my future.
I know that time is in God's hands, and ultimately the person that God desires for me to be will be.
And i am thankful because there is so much liberation in that knowledge.

This past year at college i've experienced a lot of new things, taken a lot of courses outside my sciency curriculum in an effort for course diversification and also to encounter subjects that i haven't had the opportunity to explore - sociology, religion & geography. as a result i have found that i truly love chemistry, i might love biology and LOVE geography (despite having jansson as my professor - sigh.). my dream of becoming a doctor has been reinforced from time to time, and weakened for most of the time.

don't understand right? hahaha, i'm just typing as thoughts enter my head, so it's a little haphazard.

but basically, i realised that becoming a doctor is the line of work i REALLY desire to enter into (more on that later), but also i have so many obstacles blocking my path.
firstly as an international student, it's the money. loans, exchange rate etc...
then as a student, it's the qualifying examination called the MCATs, the applications + essays, the additional courses i have to take in college which fulfil med sch criteria and the 4 - 5 extra years in school (admittedly, i am a slacker. but that might not be the case in the coming year).

however, during the school year, i was dealt another blow - i was told that med schs in the US like to accept their own students from their own states, and international students - well it's much harder. can cry right?

but you know what? God is sovereign over the direction my life will take. in fact, He has revealed a lot to me this past year as well. i have seen and felt the need to serve other people. during the spring break urban plunge where i saw the broken shalom in new york city, during my time at the transition home singing carols and painting a room for them. but it's not just about volunteering, it's about being conscious about the world around us. seeing so much conflict in the middle east and asia shows how much struggle there is for power. serving other people has been pushed to the background because everyone wants to take the lead and therefore refusing to let God, the true king and loving leader, guide and rule over His creation.

the thing about serving is that it is about humbling yourself, as Jesus did when He washed His disciples feet as told in John. but when i think about it, i may have perceived being humble as being a sign of weakness. I remember learning at cell group once, that being humble is 'to the point of having to give up your rights' - which is completely right! but can be completely wrong if taken wrongly. i guess it has never been clearer to me that in being humble you're not submitting yourself to the will of others but loving God to the point of submitting your will to Him - even if that entails giving up your own welfare for the benefit of others. Because God calls us to love our neighbours, in being humble, we are not obeying them but God because we love Him. isn't that cool? we're fulfilling both of the greatest commandments at once! of course this is going to call for discernment and all that other jazz, but that is for a different time, yah?

so the past couple of weeks i guess i have come to recognise the dream that God put in my heart many years ago - to be a surgeon doing mission work (not full-time but for a good period of time in a year) - like doctors without borders. it is a great thing to serve, and when i think about it, it is not for the money that i want to be a doctor. to be honest, money to me is necessary but having uber loads of it or excess of it really poses no attraction to me (till otherwise proven). then that calls for the case of envy - which is also for a different time. what other good things come from being a doctor? status? hah, looking at my sorry popularity standings through the years of my life, its come to a point where - i really don't care (till otherwise proven). i just want to be the person God wants me to be and edify the people around me. my relationship with the squash team is kind of an example though not exactly.

so why has this dream stood firm through at least 5 years of my life? i don't know and i can only credit it to God. and look where He has brought me - to places (not necessarily physically) that i never dreamed of! His hand has been on me and He has been ever-present with me in my being. so i want to serve and serve Him well.

last year was challenging. i kind of was letting life lead me with the kind of mentality that 'doctor or not, who knows, God's will' very flippant and very fearful. part of it was because i didn't really have enough confidence in myself to make it into med school, and "God's will" meant that if (God forbid) i didn't become a doctor - blame it on God, He was leading me elsewhere. you get my drift? very shaky, very weak, very wrong mindset.

this year i'm going to try to love God a whole lot more in addition to growing in Him and walking with Him. i'm going to say the same thing,
'doctor or not, who knows, God's will'
but it's going to be different because i feel God is putting it in my heart to strive to be a doctor even if that means tears sweat and blood. i'm going to work harder towards med school - and put all confidence in God. and if during my college career, God changes my mind, it doesn't matter because it wasn't all for naught, i was working hard towards something else that He means for me to invest my time and my life in. so be it.

in the end it really isn't about first getting a job that serves others because first and foremost you have to serve God, and that will encompass everything else that is important.

i could ramble on forever, but this verse spoke to me a lot in that last few weeks = Psalm 73

25 Whom have I in heaven but you?
And earth has nothing I desire besides you.

26 My flesh and my heart may fail,
but God is the strength of my heart
and my portion forever.

i guess my quest is to desire only God and entrust my life into His hands, be still and listen to what He is trying to tell me or reveal to me. and all things will fall into place because He is faithful.

easier said than done? well through God all things are possible. please pray for me for strength and that i will always remember this :D